Simply because you were born with an X and a Y chromosome does not mean you are a man. If you have the necessary parts and the physical characteristics that define a man when you look up the definition according to the dictionary, this still does not give you the right to call yourself a man. You can and should define yourself as a male but to become a man you need to live up to certain standards to enable yourself the precious title.
So then what is a man?
What are the defining characteristics that allow one physically and chemically distinct male to all of a sudden call himself a man?
That is the question I have been wrestling with ever since my first child was born 5 years ago. Here I sit after having meditated, talked about, read about, listened to, and received revelation for this big and important question.
I am now more qualified than the first night at home with our newborn baby boy, five years ago. When thoughts of life’s big questions swirled around my head like the smoke of a recently lit campfire. I knew I needed to learn more about life’s big questions to help my baby boy along this path as much as possible. I knew that this path to manhood was going to be difficult, they all are, and that was ok, but most importantly I wanted to be ready for answers when the questions arose. I wanted to be ready and willing when my boy needed me most.
The Big Questions
So I went to work and set out to learn as much as I could about life’s biggest questions.
Such as…
What is my purpose on this earth?
What is true happiness?
What is contentment?
How do I become successful?
How do I become a true man?
How does one set and reach big goals?
Flash forward 5 years and I now am the proud papa to 3 young boys (ages 5, 3, and 1) and the urgency has exponentially grown with each new birth. So much so that I have been prompted to write the answers to a few of life’s questions as far as I can tell. Not that these are hard and fast rules, but rather my advice and insights to possibly help them along in their own journey to manhood.
The question that seems to always arise when thinking about my boys and what might help them along this journey is the question of what it means to be a man. There is so much misconception today about what it means to be a man. I don’t want my boys to be confused and most importantly I don’t want them to get their information from a source that was not credible and did not have their best interests in mind.
For this reason, I will continue a thread of suggestions as to what it means to be a man, something that is continuing to evolve for me as well. See other posts on this topic as it continues to evolve. Here, Here, and Here.
So… what does it mean to be a man?
1. Manhood is a constant pursuit
– Becoming a man in the truest sense of the word is something that cannot be achieved in 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year. The reality is that to become a man you must be in constant pursuit of the title. Just because you feel you have achieved it one day doesn’t mean you will always have the right to be called a man. You can lose the title just as fast as you achieved it. The real manly men will always be in pursuit of the title, it will become something to work towards until your last breath, and maybe at the end of your life, you can say you have done all that you could to maintain that sacred title.
Manhood is not achieved by completing a single difficult task but by overcoming many difficult tasks over an extended period of time. It is not a mountain top to be conquered where after the summit has been reached you can subsequently coast back down to your soft and comfortable life with that badge of honor.
Manhood is a continuous climb that enables you to become more and more with each passing day as you hold up to your end of the bargain. The bargain you have agreed to is to be a standard for others to depend on. To protect the weak and stand up to the bullies. You promise to provide for those who depend on your strength and fortitude. And most importantly you promise to continuously improve yourself so that others can benefit from the light that emanates from your soul.
There is no end to your pursuit because to be a man you must start fresh each morning like a painter with a new canvas. Each day is your battleground to prove your worth of being called a man.
2. Manhood is balance
– being a man means prioritizing your life around the things that matter most and not neglecting all the important aspects that make up who you are. You have to be balanced mentally, physically, and spiritually to be able to be the biggest and brightest light for others to gain strength.
There are many who “go all-in” on one single aspect and reach very high standards but fall short in other aspects of their lives. We cannot consider ourselves successful men if we are Olympic athletes yet neglect our families and our spirits during our climb to the top. A true man knows how to balance his time, talents, and efforts into all of the most important aspects of his life.
Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be physically fit, maintain and run a successful business, be spiritually fulfilled, all while being the parent and spouse your children and significant other love and respect.
Manhood is not a feat of strength or demonstration of power but a balancing act of priorities and values.
3. Manhood is failure
– To become a man you must become comfortable with failure, you must embrace failure and sit with like you are welcoming an old friend into your home. When you become comfortable with failure, all of a sudden, the difficult and painful tasks of everyday life become enjoyable. When failures and the embarrassments associated with failure are no longer something to avoid, you open yourself up to exciting and fulfilling opportunities that can take you to higher levels than ever before.
Every successful businessman, father, entrepreneur, athlete, husband, every person that has ever been successful in whatever endeavor they have chosen to pursue has encountered failure at some point along their journey towards success. Go ahead and try to name one person that has been successful and been able to circumvent failure during their process.
A true man is comfortable with failure and understands that it’s all part of the process of becoming a better man, one failure at a time.
4. A man is quiet when others are loud and loud when others are quiet
– For some reason, we as a society have given the microphone to weak men that have the loudest voices and the most followers on social media. These loud voices are actually the weakest men and should not be followed.
The weak and insecure will often be the loudest and most obnoxious voices in the room.
Be careful in following the noise because often they lead to dead-end roads. A man knows when to be quiet and assess each situation with an open mind and an open heart. Learn how to listen more and talk less, and in turn, watch your manly meter go from boy to man in no time at all.
A man can listen to other people’s opinions without becoming offended if they do not align with their own. A man can listen and learn from every single person he comes in contact with. The homeless man on the corner has as much knowledge, and often more, about living life than the fancy scholar at a prestigious university. A man knows when to listen and often listens more than he speaks. When others are loud and fighting for position during a heated debate, a man can sit back and hear what is being said by evaluating what is not being said.
On the flip side, a man knows when and where it is time to speak up and when it is appropriate to be the loudest voice in the room when others sit back and are afraid to voice their opinion. A man knows when to be loud and when to be quiet.
Where to go from here?
Remember, not all is lost. It’s never too late to work on your manly meter. If you are not where you thought you would be at this point in your life, it’s time to course-correct and implement the changes you need. If not for yourself, then for those around you.
There are people counting on you to become the best man you can be.
There are people around you who need you to step up.
Start with one step in the right direction and let the momentum carry your forward to the next step.
One step at a time.
